(MELODIC RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
Subtitles by explosiveskull
So, do you think he's gonna try that thing again
at the restaurant?
I hope not.
RED HAT MAN: I don't understand why it's such a big deal.
Because we're his friends and it makes us look weird too.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
I'm trying to get a job there.
I don't want the manager to think I'm crazy.
You worry too much.
And if you don't get the job,
at least you have someone to blame.
Do you really think he would care?
He wouldn't say it to your face
unless you got him piss-drunk, but he does care.
So you say.
If you really feel that way,
then why do you keep hanging out with him?
Affirmative action.
I am the group's legally appointed black friend.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
You choose not to leave, and that's because,
deep down inside, you know you love us.
Whatever.
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
How did you two get in here?
Nice to see you too.
I broke in.
No, you didn't.
You think this is the first time I've broken
into somebody's house before?
You went to culinary school, so yes.
Just because I like to make cheesecake
while listening to pop does not mean I'm not hood.
Yes, Allen, it does.
How is the job hunt going?
The only paying gig I found on this online board today
was to write press releases for a porn website.
Oh, that's painful.
Actually, it might be kind of helpful.
Why?
Because I got asked to film a wedding in a few weeks,
but I don't have a camera.
At least I know theirs will film in hi-def.
Touche.
You still haven't answered my question, though.
How did you guys get in here?
The front door was open, actually.
Really?
Shit.
You guys didn't let the cats out, did you?
No, we didn't.
When did you get cats?
We've known you for years and all
of a sudden you've turned into a cat person on us?
They're not mine, they're my brother's.
What?
Your brother moved back home?
Yeah.
I keep telling that mook not to leave the front door open,
but he always forgets.
When did he come back?
Last week.
How are you parents taking it?
They're dealing with it.
It is what it is.
What are the cats' names?
I don't know.
I just call them Glenn Close and Shia LaBeouf.
Why?
Because the girl one tries to follow me
into the bathroom every morning.
And the other one has a meow that's way worse than his bite.
Hm, fair enough.
Goddammit, I just died of dysentery again.
Are you really playing The Oregon Trail right now?
I was feeling nostalgic, sue me.
You're the one that majored in legal studies,
that's all you right there.
I swear, the only people who hate dysentery
as much as Civil War veterans did are 90's kids.
Those were good times.
Yeah, they were.
And if we had graduated during then,
we'd be able to find work right now
instead of being unemployed college kids.
Look, I'm all for bitching about our problems
over some food, but the key thing here is food.
Can we go eat now?
Yeah, let me just put some shoes on
and we can get out of here.
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
Man, I hope this place gets back to me soon.
I'd love to work here.
It's near my house and I'd get free food.
Why don't you see if the manager's here?
I will when Miranda comes over.
I can't believe she went from being the hot girl
in high school to a waitress with a two year old kid.
Yeah, but now we get served our food by a MILF, though.
How many people can say that?
It's like getting to go to the zoo with a stripper.
Stop, she's coming over.
And how are you guys doing today?
We were just talking about you.
Good things, I hope.
Of course.
Ah.
- Miranda. - Yeah?
Is Mr. Bay in?
No, he's actually out of the office today.
How come?
Something to do about a fireworks show.
A new Ferrari.
I don't know, the guy never really gives clear directions.
Normally he's just yelling a lot and staring at my ass.
All right, thanks anyway.
MIRANDA: No problem.
Kevin, what will you have today?
I'll have my usual.
So a chicken tenders kids meal
with a White Russian to drink?
That's it.
Mm.
You know we're actually putting that
on the menu because of you?
Seriously?
Yeah.
Calling it the Man-Child.
That suits him.
That's awesome.
I've always wanted to have something
in a restaurant named after me.
You guys should put his picture next to it
so that girls know exactly who it's based off of.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
John, you are the reason we can't have nice things.
I know, you tell me all the time.
And how about you, Allen?
I'll just have a cheeseburger for now.
With what to drink?
ALLEN: Just a Coke, thanks.
And for you, John?
I'll have the chicken sandwich and Sprite to drink.
All right, I'll be right back with your orders.
Hey, Miranda.
Yeah?
How do you feel about zoos?
I don't know, they're okay, I guess.
Why do you ask?
Just wondering.
I'll be out in a minute with your food.
Thanks, Miranda.
You know what's sad?
The three of us are so broke right now
that we can't really afford to take a girl out on a date.
Speak for yourself.
I still have a card for a free game
of mini-golf in my wallet.
That's only good for one person.
Survival of the fittest, John.
If she wants to play, she has to pay.
Come on.
You can't tell me you're okay with our situations right now.
Of course I'm not, but you already know
how I feel we should solve this problem.
Oh no, not the Aladdin defense again.
Hey, we spent a whole day on that in legal strategies.
It's a real thing.
And it's fucking terrifying.
Look, Disney taught us that if you're poor
and you steal, then it's not your fault.
In fact, not only will you get rich
and get to fuck some hot chick,
but a fat guy from the Blue Man Group will follow you around
and solve all of your problems for you.
But we can't just turn to a life of crime
just because we can't find jobs.
Why not?
You think the assholes in DC and on Wall Street
who steal from people like us aren't criminals?
They're the reason the economy is failing
and we can't find work.
I say that when you take away all of the reasonable
and legal options, crime is the only place left to turn.
We don't know anything about being criminals.
You make crime sound like it's something you can learn,
like tennis.
Look, all I'm saying is that one of these days,
we're going to get sick and tired of not being able to work.
And eventually, that rage is going to boil over into...
Starbucks coffee?
That shit's delicious.
You know what?
Never mind.
Let's just eat and get out of here.
So, John, how are those karate lessons
working out for you?
Pretty well.
I actually enjoy it.
Who the hell would want to fight you?
You look like you eat babies
the way other people eat pistachios.
(JOHN SARCASTICALLY CHUCKLES)
We may not have jobs, but at least we can take
out our aggression in a video game.
It's better than us taking our frustrations
out on an actual person.
True story.
Is that a little Spanish kid getting his ass whooped?
Yeah, it is.
He's yelling out (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
in between those belt cracks.
I took enough Spanish in high school to know
that (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) is Spanish
for please don't whoop my ass.
I love when Call of Duty makes me witness
to other people's parenting mistakes.
I once heard a guy ask his five year old
to make him some Easy Mac just so that he wouldn't
have to leave the game.
Seriously?
Yeah.
I don't think I ever wanted to slap someone
so hard before in my life.
So what are you doing tomorrow?
I have an interview at a school,
then I have the rest of the day off.
You think you'll get it?
I don't know, man, teaching is a competitive field.
No offense, you're trying to teach PE.
How competitive could that really be?
You'd be surprised, man.
There are a lot of other large Greek guys
who look suspiciously like me that want that job as well.
So the cast of 300 can't find work right now either?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hey, man, you busy right now?
Kinda, what's up?
This is more important.
I need you to come over.
What's going on?
I need you to pick up John and come over to my house.
When?
KEVIN: Now.
Like right now?
Yes, like right the fuck now.
This is important, I need your help.
If this is still about you wanting to know
whether just ordering a glass of water
at a restaurant is loitering, it's not.
That is a serious philosophical question
that deserves more debate,
but this is more important right now.
Listen, I want to know what the big deal is
before I rush out of my house.
Come over here and I'll tell you.
What's going on?
Kevin wants us to go over to his place.
Did he say why?
No, he just said he needed our help.
If this is like that time that he got drunk,
fell asleep in his bathtub, and then he couldn't hear
for a week, I don't wanna hear it.
No, I think this is more serious.
He actually sounded worried.
Him, worried?
You sure we're talking about the same guy?
Yeah, that's why I'm kind of freaked out right now.
If this actually ends up being nothing...
You do realize that we can play
Call of Duty at his place too, right?
Yeah, but he has a PS3.
I don't feel like playing with a bunch
of people that wear Naruto headbands.
Kevin wouldn't know the meaning
of the word humble if his life depended on it.
It'll be worth going over to his house
just to see what's got him freaking out so much.
You think we're gonna go over there
and discover the cure for narcissism and win a Nobel Prize?
Maybe.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming over.
What was so important that it had to come
before Call of Duty?
My dad lost his job today.
Please tell me this is a practical joke,
like that time you gave your little sister a Build-A-Bear
that only cursed in Russian.
I wish.
And it gets better.
They're behind on the mortgage.
If we don't pay that bill in two weeks,
we're gonna be evicted.
You have two weeks to come up
with the money or you're gonna be homeless?
Pretty much.
Dude.
That kind of stuff doesn't just happen overnight.
How long have you been behind on the bills?
For a few months, apparently.
They just didn't wanna tell me
about it 'cause they didn't wanna freak me out.
Holy shit.
We thought you were just screwing
around with us on the phone.
Is there anything we can do to help?
Actually, there is.
That's why I asked you guys to come over.
What is it?
I'm going to start a business and I need your help.
Which is?
I'm going to become a pimp.
Fuck you both, don't give me that look.
I need to come up with money,
fast, and this is the best way I know how.
Did you at least consider any other ideas?
Yeah, I did.
If you're gonna be a drug dealer,
you have to be available at all hours of the day,
and I like my sleep.
This is true, you have to be really good
at customer service in order to be a drug dealer.
What about a real job?
What about one?
Subway won't call me back, man.
You think I wanna be doing this?
He does have a point, Allen.
Our backs are kind of up against the wall here.
Our?
Why is there an our in this?
- I'm sympathetic, man, but... - You're gonna bail?
I'm not gonna bail, I just think we should look
into all of our options first.
I already did.
I even thought about robbing a bank.
But then I realized that John is the only one
of us in good enough shape to get away with it.
Meh.
I hate when you're right sometimes.
See?
Not so simple, is it?
We can't just sit here and let you go homeless.
You may be a bastard sometimes, but you're our bastard.
I appreciate the sentiment, John.
Okay, so let's say we are able to become successful pimps,
we don't know anything about the industry.
And that's why we're gonna go downtown.
Huh?
Yeah, I'm not following you either.
Okay, listen.
Tomorrow night, we'll go downtown
and watch how the pimps in the city work.
We're smart guys, we should be able to figure it out
after a few hours.
Do you know I took a class on how to bake cakes?
I'm not remotely qualified to get into this.
So then you can make the girls
those French things you always make.
Crepes?
Yeah, those.
If I was a hooker and I found out that a pimp
was feeding his girls crepes, I would go work for that guy.
Plus, everybody knows that girls like French things.
Yeah, it's because they think it's romantic.
There's nothing romantic
about selling your body for a pastry.
Again, do you have a better idea?
No, but this one isn't a good one.
So, what am I going to do, then?
You're gonna be the enforcer, of course.
He killed a spider in the fourth grade
and cried about it for a week.
Do you really think he can hurt someone?
How do you even remember that?
Oh, I should never have gotten drunk
and told you that story.
He won't have to hurt anyone.
No one's actually gonna try and start shit
when they see how big he is.
So, basically, I'm going to psych people
out into not starting anything?
Pretty much.
Whenever it comes to issues collecting money,
that's all you.
I think I can handle that.
So, how long do we have to do this?
Until we can get real jobs.
Come on, you can't tell me you're not sick
and tired of having no money in your pockets.
It would be nice to have a little bit of extra cash.
We're going to be the only pimp racket in town
that has a pastry chef working for us.
That's kind of awesome.
See?
That's the spirit.
All right, we're gonna get out of here.
We'll see you tomorrow.
See you then.
Be ready, we have a lot to learn.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(JOHN GRUNTS)
So, you guys ready to go to the city?
Yeah, man.
I spent like three hours practicing my karate
in case something goes down.
Good man.
Allen, how'd the research go?
Actually, it was pretty productive.
I didn't realize so many pimps
became writers after they retired.
Well, they had to keep their hands busy.
Force of habit, I guess.
We should be able to spot one of these guys pretty easily.
It shouldn't take us too long.
We watch what they're doing,
figure out how to do it better, and then make some money.
PIMP: I don't wanna hear it.
The question still remains though,
bitch, why didn't you call me?
HOOKER: All right, look, you know, Francis, I just...
Are you insane?
Are you crazy?
You can't be calling me that out here.
These other motherfuckers will stab me
if they find out my name is Francis.
HOOKER: All right, look, but you know, Frank,
the reason that I didn't call you,
it was a mad-good reason, all right?
You know, I don't care.
You know, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore
why you ain't call me, baby.
I just want you to answer a question for me, okay?
HOOKER: Yeah, sure, what?
Between dental insurance and cell phones,
how much money you think I spend on you bitches?
HOOKER: Oh god, you know, actually, I don't even know.
Like, 'cause it depends
on what kinda data plan each bitch has,
and if you're looking...
Hey, yes, you're right, a lot.
That's the right answer.
A lot.
But what you don't understand is it leaves me in a problem
where I can't afford things for my kids.
You know what my kids eat?
They eat fucking Lunchables.
Do you know how bad that is for you?
It's all I can afford.
They're gonna grow up to be all deformed or some shit.
It's because I need to make sure that you
and your little sisters don't have cavities.
And why is that important?
Because nobody wants to fuck a hooker that got cavities.
And that's right.
That's why any girl who doesn't care enough about herself
to use fluoride shouldn't be hooking.
HOOKER: You know and, baby, we appreciate everything
that you do for us.
What?
What the hell, no, you don't.
All you do is stress me the fuck out.
You know, I'm gonna need like a yoga class or something
to get my stress level down.
Actually, oh my god,
if you need a yoga instructor, I know somebody.
He's really good, he lives on 7th.
He's got like a weird eye, but whatever.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure you do.
I'm sure you know a good yoga instructor.
Look, I'm gonna be crystal clear with you right now.
The next time you're late with my money,
I am going to go all Mel Gibson on your ass.
HOOKER: All right, but like, like...
What?
HOOKER: Forever Young Mel Gibson
or Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson?
Edge of Darkness Mel Gibson.
But, Frank, he dies at the end of the movie.
You should really come up with a better example.
I didn't finish watching it.
HOOKER: Baby, the way you were talking about the movie,
it made it seem like you knew it.
Bitch, you know, I have narcolepsy
and I fell asleep in the theater.
HOOKER: That's not even fair,
though, you tricked me and...
You know, just go make me some money.
And I hope your blowjobs are better
than your movie etiquette.
(CAR BEEPING)
Holy shit, that is the angriest guy I've ever seen.
The book didn't say that pimping would be this hard.
He just kept yelling and yelling.
If that guy eats a high sodium diet,
he has like a year or two left
before he has a heart attack at this rate.
That guy is so hardcore,
he probably puts salt on his bacon just for fun.
We can't compete with him.
He'd kill us all with a toothpick.
So what are we gonna do now?
I don't know.
I'll have to come up with something new.
You really think you still have a trick up your sleeve?
I really don't have another choice do I, Allen?
Oh, this is worse than that time
that those neo-Nazis crashed your birthday party.
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
I can't believe tonight ended up being such a bust.
I kind of can.
What makes you say that?
We're not cut out for this, Kevin.
We're not criminals.
You act like there's a choice here.
There's totally a choice.
Look, I know you want to help your family out,
but there has to be a better way.
There's not.
Subway won't call me back, man.
I have a college fucking degree,
but I'm not qualified to make sandwiches?
So, we're going to take advantage
of someone else's misery?
No.
That was the whole point of getting into the pimping game.
You think hookers aren't miserable?
I'm sure they are.
But they chose to make their living that way.
No, they didn't.
They're in the same position you are.
They're broke and they have their backs up against the wall.
Be kind of uncomfortable, don't you think?
They should at least use a bed or something.
Dammit, man, you know what I mean.
Look, you know how you hate all those guys on Wall Street
and all those dirty politicians right now?
Yeah, what's your point?
How do you think they got so rich?
They stole.
Do you really wanna become the thing you hate the most?
No.
I don't.
But they stole that money you're talking about
from people like me and my family,
honest, hard-working people who never broke the law.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm not committing a crime here,
just taking back what's mine.
I keep forgetting you're a law student.
You can justify anything to yourself.
Okay, Mr. Master Of The Universe,
what would you do if you were in my shoes, huh?
What would your grand plan be then?
I don't fucking know, okay?
But I do know is that I wouldn't wanna become one
of those guys, one of those scumbags that put you
in this spot in the first place.
Well, if you come up with a plan
that leaves us morally in the clear and pays the bills,
let me know.
(JOHN SIGHS)
I don't think I can do this anymore.
What?
I'm sorry.
I really am.
But I can't become a criminal,
even if it is to help my best friend out.
Once we go down this road, where does it end?
But then how...
Look, if I come up with something, I'll let you know.
I really do want to help you.
But it has to be something legal.
Something that won't potentially get us killed.
I don't want any of us in harm's way,
but I don't know what else to do.
Just keep this in mind.
You won't be able to help your family out
if some guy like Frank ends up cutting you up.
Well, me sitting on my ass isn't gonna help either.
Listen, I'll help you any way I can,
but I won't help you profit off the misery of other people,
whether it's selling girls or drugs or whatever.
It has to be something that won't fuck with my karma.
Since when did you get all spiritual?
'98, I think.
(KEVIN SIGHS)
All right.
I'll come up with something new and call you tomorrow, okay?
Sure.
Just be sure there's no more crazy Franks
involved this time.
Will do, brother.
JOHN: I'll talk to you later, all right?
Adios, amigo.
How the hell is that even possible?
Hey, Allen?
Hey, man, what's up?
You know how I read the paper every morning now
because it makes me feel like I'm not poor?
Yeah, why?
Well, I saw something in it this morning.
You need to get over here.
If this is another get-rich-quick scheme...
I swear, this is so much better than that.
Just pick up John and come over to my house.
Yeah, sure.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
I have the answer to all of our problems.
Which is?
Do you guys remember Tommy Booth?
That asshole?
Yeah, what about him?
That's what.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Is anybody going to tell me what's going on here?
Tommy Booth won the lottery.
No.
No, that's not possible.
Yeah, it is.
Of all the miserable assholes that could have possibly
gotten rich, Tommy Booth had to be the one that did.
Wait a minute.
I mean, he's not a nice guy, but he's not that bad.
He called that girl in the wheelchair Sleeping Beauty
because she couldn't keep her head up straight
during yearbook photos.
He's easily the biggest tool I've ever met.
And then there was the thing with John.
Don't bring it up.
What are you two talking about?
It happened before we met you, Allen.
I don't wanna talk about it.
But I'm your best friend.
What he did was, was unspeakable.
That's all I have to say.
He set off stink bombs in class,
broke a few toilets, and managed to stay skinny
while eating only French fries.
Okay, I can understand you guys don't like him,
I get that, I just don't see how him winning the lottery
is gonna solve any of our problems.
Simple.
We're gonna take some of his money.
What?
I'm in.
What happened to last night?
To Mr. I Don't Want To Fuck With My Karma?
That kid having any sort of good luck
is a slight against God.
We're not committing a crime here.
We're just correcting a terrible mistake that nature made.
Glad to see you finally grew a pair, buddy.
Okay, so assuming I'm in because I don't want you two
to do something this stupid alone, what's the plan here?
We kidnap the son of a bitch
and get him to give us his money.
And what if he doesn't wanna give up
his hard-earned lottery winnings?
Then we hurt him, badly.
Like torture?
Like whatever we have to do
to get him to give us the money.
I'm all for that.
Dude.
What the fuck did he do to you?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I'm glad to see we're all agreed on that.
Okay, so where are you gonna get the money
for this anyways?
We need supplies.
Supplies?
Yeah, like ropes, ski masks, stuff like that.
All taken care of.
I still have some money left over from graduation.
My family told me to put it to good use,
so that's what I'm doing.
So, where are we gonna take him once we kidnap him?
We can take him to my dad's office, it's in a warehouse.
Won't your dad get mad if you're using his office
to torture someone?
He's not gonna know about it.
But your dad has his name on a sign outside the warehouse.
Tommy will know who we are right away.
That's why we're gonna put a bag over his head
so that he doesn't know where we're taking him, John.
Sometimes the simplest things escape you, John.
Oh yeah?
Well, I'm stronger than you, so shut up.
Tomorrow, we'll head over to Allen's and then we'll...
Wait, why are we planning the felony at my place?
Because your mom bakes really well,
dude, and we haven't had her cookies in awhile.
Can you tell her to make us some, please?
I hate you two sometimes.
Thanks, Allen.
Do you really think we can pull this off?
Absolutely.
I've already seen Fargo, so I know what not to do.
I hope we take this bastard for every penny he's worth.
No, we can't take it all.
That'd be way too suspicious.
Plus, the lottery is only paying it out in small amounts
because he took it in installments.
You just looked that up, didn't you?
Well yeah, it's not every day that I need to know how
a lottery winner is going to get paid so that I can rob 'em.
So, when's his first installment?
Next week.
So we only have a week to plan this out?
Pretty much.
Don't worry, guys, we've got this.
We'll head over to Allen's tomorrow
and start mapping the whole thing out.
I hope you're right about this.
Allen, how long have you known me for?
Awhile.
And how often am I wrong when it actually counts?
Rarely.
Exactly.
Go home and get ready for tomorrow.
By the time we're done, Tommy Booth won't know what hit him.
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, man, come in.
Where the hell are the cookies?
I refuse to discuss kidnapping and possible torture
until there are cookies on this table.
They're in the oven, man, they'll be out in a few.
So, what's the first step of this plan?
The first step of the plan is that we need
to follow him around and learn his routine.
We need to snatch him someplace
that we know he's gonna be alone.
Well, why don't we just take him at his house?
Because he still lives with his parents
and we don't need witnesses.
He won the lotto and he still lives with his parents?
The article said that he wants to show solidarity
with his less fortunate brothers and sisters,
so he still lives at home.
Okay, this guy really is an asshole.
Told you.
Can we not act like we need Ritalin for two minutes?
So we follow him around the whole day
until we find a place that he's alone?
Not just a place that he's alone,
but a place that he goes to regularly.
That way, when he doesn't come home right away,
it'll arouse less suspicion
because he's always out at the same time.
Okay, so when do we get started on this?
Right after we eat those cookies.
Hey, y'all, Antonio.
Got a few bucks to spare?
What do you say, doll?
Do I fucking know you?
Sure, bro.
Get the fuck out of here.
Chill, you don't have to get all hostile in here.
How would you like a ride on the Boot Express?
Bada-bing.
Get the fuck, oh, he's got palsy.
Poor baby.
Jesus Christ, this used to be a respectable alley.
What the hell?
(MAN GROANS)
So, okay, I drop off the coke
at the Chuck E. Cheese, right?
And I figure, at this point,
my day could not get any stranger,
in this bullshit line of work.
Am I supposed to be waiting for something?
You haven't told me yet why you're late.
Wait the hell on a sec, I'm getting there.
Ay ay ay ay ay ay.
I've never met anyone in my whole life that talks
as slow as they walk, Lo-ass.
Kiss my ass, Jimmy.
If your social security check were a little bigger,
we would be watching The Golden Girls
instead of selling drugs into our golden years.
Man, we've been following him around for hours now.
All we found out is that he really likes carrots
and Asian porn.
Everybody has a weakness, and that includes Tommy.
We just have to stay on him until we find out what his is.
I'm just surprised he hasn't seen us at all today.
Congratulations, Allen, you've finally
found your calling in life, stalking people.
Listen, man, I just know how to keep my distance.
I watched a lot of cop shows as a kid.
Really?
Yeah.
When I was little, I wanted to be a cop.
And now we kidnap people because the economy sucks.
So, that is why I was so late getting back tonight.
Hey, where is that kid?
Wasn't he supposed to be here by now?
He'll be here in a minute.
Just relax.
Why don't you run across the street to 7-Eleven
and pick up a couple of cartons, okay?
Do you want something to drink?
Yeah, get me a Snapple Apple, they got it.
Okay, Snapple Apple it is, and I'll be right back.
All right, I can't wait.
Ay ay ay.
Hey, he's about to head into that alley.
Follow him very, very carefully here.
He hasn't seen me for hours.
You really think he's gonna notice me now?
Let's park here so that no one can hear us.
This time of night, there can't be too many cars around
and we don't wanna be spotted.
Oh, look, look, it's Tommy.
Hiya, Tommy.
Boy, it's good to see you.
How you been?
Why the hell you get me up so late?
You know I burn through my shit quick, Jimmy.
Oh yeah.
Let me tell you something.
The next time you interrupt my episode of Buffy,
you and me are gonna have a problem, you understand me?
Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
Yeah.
Okay.
So what do you want?
I got Coma Patient, which would be really good for you.
And I got Pumpkin Spice for a price that's nice.
No shit, they have pumpkin spice weed now?
They do, it's just like the Starbucks drink,
only this shit gets you high as fuck.
Huh.
You know what, I'm gonna take a dime-bag of each.
Oh.
Is this on?
Lois.
Let me get this straight, you got me out of bed
after midnight, you dragged me away from Buffy
to buy two dime-bags, seriously?
Man, do you want the fucking money or not?
Give me the fucking money.
God, ay ay ay ay ay.
And don't interrupt my program again, you got that?
Yeah, I heard you the first time.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
Oh okay, I was just trying to make sure, Tommy.
Get the fuck outta here.
Oh man.
Fucking show will be over by the time I get back.
Ay ay ay.
We got him.
We got the son of a bitch.
This would be a pretty good place to snatch him.
And this alley doesn't even have any security cameras.
Look, we even got John thinking like a criminal now.
We'll follow him around for the next few days,
and if he comes back, this'll be the spot where we grab him.
How long do you think it'll take him
to finish all that weed?
I don't know.
Allen, how long do you think it'll take him
to finish all that weed?
Are you asking me that because I'm black?
No, I'm asking you because you have friends
that did theater in college.
I heard about those toga orgies, man.
What?
Don't worry about it, we'll tell you when you're older.
I didn't attend any of those, for the record.
You didn't answer my question, how long?
Two days, max.
Okay, so then we'll follow him around for a few more days.
In the meantime, we still need to go shopping.
Are you guys doing anything tomorrow?
Nope.
I'm free.
Meet me at my house at noon, then.
(TENSE MUSIC)
All right, so we need some rope,
three ski masks, and a shotgun.
That should be it.
And you're sure they won't say anything about the shotgun?
This is Walmart.
If they could figure out a way to sell heroin to babies
and make money off of it, they would do it.
All right.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Hey, do you think your aunt and uncle would be mad
if they knew that you were spending the money
they gave you on a kidnapping kit?
Nah, they grew up in the 60's,
they don't really judge people.
I seriously can't wait to nail the bastard.
Hey, don't make this personal.
I know you two have history...
You know what he did, Kevin.
I know, I know.
But if you put him into a coma,
then we can't take his money.
I'll be sure to save the beating for later.
Thank you.
Hey, don't you think it's going to look weird
that he's buying all of this suspicious stuff all
at the same place?
Again, these people don't care.
I'd be surprised if anyone said anything
to him at all about it.
You wanna bet on it?
Sure.
I bet you $10 that nobody says anything to the guy
buying a shotgun, some ski masks, and a rope.
I'll take that bet.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(WINDOW KNOCKING)
How the fuck are we supposed to kidnap someone
if you two are afraid of someone knocking on a window?
Point taken.
Hey, that was really fast.
Yeah, I know.
Open the trunk, I got the stuff.
Hey, did they ask you about why
you were buying all of that stuff?
Yeah, they did.
KEVIN: What did you tell them?
That we're making a movie, suckers.
Did they ask you anything about the shotgun?
Nope.
They didn't even ask for your mom's maiden name?
No, they didn't ask me anything at all.
They just handed me a deadly weapon and took my money.
I love America.
All right, so we meet at my place one final time
and go over everything before we head out, right?
That's the plan.
As long as everybody lays low, we should be fine.
All right, let's get out of here.
You guys know how I'm allergic to country music.
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
All right, gentlemen, the big night is finally here.
By the way, are you sure your mom
isn't gonna walk in on us talking about this?
Yeah, man, it's cool.
She's watching Dancing with the Stars.
Nothing can move that woman when that show is on.
All right, let's go over the plan one more time.
Based on what we already know,
Tommy will show up to his dealers at approximately midnight.
We wait for him to complete the buy,
ambush him from behind, and then we throw him in the car.
At that point, we'll put the bags over his head
and then we put our masks on.
Now, when do our masks come off?
Never, because we don't wanna go to jail.
Exactly.
They don't come off even if...
Even if Jessica Alba comes into the warehouse
and said she'd blow us if we took off our masks.
Exactly.
John, did you test fire the shotgun to make sure it worked?
Yeah, it definitely works.
Definitely?
What do you mean?
It worked a little too well.
Too well?
The recoil from the gun knocked me over
and now I have a dick-shaped bruise on my knee.
Come again?
Say that slowly, one more time,
to make sure that I heard you right.
I have a dick-shaped bruise on my knee.
Let me see.
Did you fall on a cookie cutter
shaped like a cock or something?
No, dude.
Why would anybody leave a cookie cutter
shaped like a cock in the woods?
You'd keep that in your kitchen.
Remind me never to rob a bank with you, John.
Allen, do you have the straws for tonight?
Yeah, they're in my pocket.
Good man.
Straws, what for?
To figure out who gets guard duty first.
All three of us can't be watching him at the same time.
Someone has to be on the lookout.
When we get him in the warehouse,
we don't have to treat him with kid gloves, right?
Short of putting him into a coma,
we do whatever we have to do to get that money.
Sweet.
Payback's a bitch, Booth.
Did you hear what I just said?
No coma.
Yeah, I heard you.
So are we ready, then?
Yeah, let's get outta here.
Shotgun.
Really?
Did you really just yell shotgun before a kidnapping?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Hey.
I didn't interrupt your show this time, right?
No, we're good.
Good.
Hey, you ever seen Deadliest Catch?
No, why?
That shit is awesome.
You oughta check it out.
Yeah, I'll write that down.
Same as last time?
Yes, that shit is awesome.
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
- There you are. - There you go, my man.
- Cool, adios, amigo. - Stay loose.
You make bail, call me.
TOMMY: What the hell?
Where am I?
JOHN: Hey, Tommy.
Shut up and stop asking questions.
TOMMY: Why do I have a bag that says
Academic Financial Services tied to my head?
You can read that from in there?
TOMMY: Yeah.
Oh, I got this other cool party trick,
it involves your mom and my...
Ow.
What the fuck was that for?
We told you to shut up, didn't we?
Next time, it'll hurt more.
Just be quiet and stay calm.
You'll find out everything you need to know soon enough.
TOMMY: Which is?
You'll find out in a few minutes.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Will somebody please tell me
what the fuck is going on here?
Come on, Tommy, you really haven't figured it out yet?
No, I haven't.
I mean, you guys saw me buying weed
but you're obviously not cops,
so I have no idea what you want.
We want your money.
Not all of it, just some of it.
And you're going to give it to us.
You guys kidnapped me for my lottery winnings?
KEVIN: Exactly.
Couldn't you have just stuck
up a gas station or something?
Don't insult us, Tommy, we're way bigger than that.
Plus, this is a lot more fun.
Okay, before this goes any further,
what do I call you guys?
I'm Danny DeVito.
Ice Cube.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Are you serious, man?
You don't even look like him.
Will both of you shut the fuck up and focus right now?
You guys just made up those codenames
like right now, didn't you?
That is irrelevant.
Here is what you need to know.
It is 2:30 in the morning right now.
You have until 7:00 a.m. to agree to march
into a bank and withdraw $150,000 for us.
See?
We're not even asking for all of it.
We're nice kidnappers.
Even though you don't deserve to keep any of it.
ALLEN: Shut up, Arnold.
If for some very stupid reason you choose
not to comply with our demands,
the big guy with the shotgun over here
is gonna shoot you and leave your body
in a ditch for the gators to get.
I'm no expert, but won't a shotgun
be a little loud for this time of night?
Let us worry about that.
How do you guys even know who I am?
You had an article printed about you in the paper, genius.
Yeah, but my picture wasn't in it.
That means you guys must know me from somewhere else.
Wrong.
You'd be amazed what you can find out on the internet.
And how exactly am I supposed to get you this money?
Cash will work just fine.
Okay, but what if I have a teller
put the tracker in the money?
Then we kill your family.
Okay, you leave my family out of this,
otherwise I swear to God,
I will spend every last cent I have hunting you down
and making you pay for this.
Stay calm, Tommy.
We wouldn't you to lose your head now.
Right now, we have a man stationed outside your house.
You try and call the cops, you try and tell your family
or anyone else about what's going on here,
and we take them out too.
But if you give us the money and it comes back clean,
we'll call him off.
He's kind of a fat fuck,
so it gets expensive for us to keep him there.
We would actually prefer calling him off.
It's way cheaper for us.
You guys have no idea who you're fucking with, do you?
We know exactly who we're fucking with.
You're soft, Tommy.
If you had any brains at all,
you wouldn't be here right now.
So what's it gonna be?
We're gonna ask you calmly.
Are you gonna give us the money or not?
Burn in hell.
Wrong answer.
(TOMMY GRUNTS)
Will you stop stepping on the same foot?
Do you have any idea how fucking expensive
an orthopedic surgeon is?
No, I don't.
I don't have health insurance anymore.
Don't think of it as being kidnapped.
Think of it as giving to charity.
Oh yeah, you guys seem like the real Salvation Army types.
I'll bet you collect money for poor people
around Christmas too, don't you?
You know what?
We're gonna give you a minute
to get used to your new surroundings.
Come on, guys, let's go take a walk.
Holy shit.
We just told Tommy Booth that we're
going to kill his family.
Fuck, man, don't sound so excited.
On the other hand, that was a damn good lie, Kevin.
Thanks.
I don't know what came over me.
It just felt so natural.
To be honest, I'm kind of creeped out about it.
All right.
We can't leave him alone for too long.
It's time to draw straws to see who does guard duty first.
Pink?
Are we ordering fucking cosmos now?
Look, my mom is both a woman and an alcoholic.
So the next time you need straws
to figure out who's doing guard duty during a kidnapping,
you can buy them, all right?
Come on.
We can't leave him out there for very long.
Shit.
Have fun.
Screw you.
How you doing, Ice?
Look, I'm not here for the small talk.
Are you gonna give us the money or not?
You have a better chance of getting a blowjob from a nun
than you do of getting any of my money.
You can keep playing hard to get,
but eventually, we'll break you.
You know, I was having a good day
until I got my Xbox back in the mail this morning.
It had a letter saying my warranty
had expired or something like that.
So I sent it back to them with a letter of my own
and it said, dear Bill Gates, if you have enough time
to buy condoms for everyone in Africa,
you have time to fix my Xbox.
There is some truth to that, I guess.
I mean, do you know how annoying it is
watching Netflix on my laptop?
The screen is so much smaller.
I just want to watch my nature documentaries
on a big screen again.
Nature documentaries?
Yeah, I've been watching this one on dolphins lately.
Did you know they are vicious little bastards?
No, I didn't.
Yeah, they are.
Actually, it's common for multiple male dolphins
to take turns having sex with a single female dolphin.
What?
You heard me.
Flipper's into gang-bangs.
I just fucked up your whole childhood, didn't I?
You are a deeply disturbed person, Tommy.
Look, I'll make you a deal.
You let me go right now
and I'll give you half of what you're asking for.
You wouldn't even have to split it with your partners.
What makes you think I would
go along with something like that?
Honestly, 'cause I think you're weak.
Weak?
Why are you here?
Huh?
You heard me, why are you here?
I've seen the way you act with the other two.
I mean, you're obviously smarter than the big guy.
And you're loyal to both of them,
but this wasn't your plan at all.
You're too meek,
too reserved to carry out something like this.
The big guy, well, he had the gun,
so he wants to hurt me, clearly.
And the little guy, he did all the talking,
so that tells me he's the leader.
So that leaves you stuck in the middle,
playing second banana, as usual.
Do it.
We both know you're not going to.
You may be a lot of things,
Ice, but violent isn't one of them.
You keep talking shit like this
and you're never getting out of here.
Really?
Do I look scared to you?
If you're not, you should be.
No.
I mean, you guys have balls,
but you've clearly underestimated your target.
You're gonna have to try way harder
than this if you want to break me.
Try harder?
Okay, I can do that.
Wait wait, whoa, hold on, hold on a second.
Are you actually an Ice Cube fan?
Yeah, why?
Well, what's his favorite kind of ice cream?
What?
How is this important?
Well, it's a commonly known fact amongst his fans.
What's Ice Cube's favorite kind of ice cream?
Um.
You can say if you don't know.
Wait, wait, no, no, I know this.
Stop lying.
It's Rocky Road.
Wrong.
It's vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.
I bet you've never seen Boyz n the Hood either, you poser.
(ALLEN GROANS)
Goodbye, Wayne Brady.
Fuck that guy, seriously.
I'm gonna put him in a coma if he doesn't shut the fuck up.
He was talking to you?
Yeah, he wouldn't stop talking to me.
Did he get good grades in school?
Why?
Just answer me, did he?
We don't have his fucking report card in front of us.
What does it matter?
He did go to college, right?
Yeah, why?
He is unusually perceptive.
He must have been a psych major or something.
He is good at getting into people's heads.
Who's up next on guard duty?
I am.
Watch out for him, man, he's gonna try and screw with you.
Let him.
Comfortable yet?
No.
I'd need my bathrobe and slippers for that.
Hey, would you mind running to my house
and getting it for me?
Sorry, I'll have to pass on that one.
Ah, well that's a shame.
Here I was thinking I could talk some sense into you.
Funny, I was thinking exactly the same thing.
You gonna get smart and give us our money?
What would you do with the money if I gave it to you?
Why?
Well, I wanna know where my money ends up
in this little charity case scenario.
I don't know, I haven't thought that far ahead yet.
Ah, bullshit.
You're obviously the one who planned this little kidnapping.
And you don't seem like the type
of person who would leave things to chance.
So, what would you do with the money?
Go to Japan.
See, now we're getting somewhere.
Yeah, I'd like it over there.
Sushi and samurai and gorgeous women.
Plus, it'd be nice to make eye contact with somebody again.
I haven't done that since the fifth grade.
Hm, you worry about how people perceive you
because of your height.
You know, you're tougher than most people because of it,
but that toughness is gonna one day lead you
to pick a fight that you can't win.
I'll worry about that bridge when I come to it.
And while all those things you said about Japan are nice,
I still wouldn't recommend making that trip.
And why is that?
Well, things have a way of getting
a little bit weird over there.
What do you mean?
Have you ever heard of a man named Issei Sagawa?
No, should I have?
Mr. Sagawa was a literature student who ate one
of his classmates because he wanted to consume her powers.
Your point?
We have people who kill people over here too.
Yeah, but after the trial,
he was let go on a technicality.
He then became a mini-celebrity in Japan,
did all kinds of interviews, even did televised appearances.
I still don't see where you're going with this.
Here's the kicker though.
Right after that, he became a restaurant critic
for a magazine.
He went from cannibal to food critic
in just a couple of years.
Hey, at least he had a good business plan,
eat bitches, get money.
You don't find it the least bit disconcerting
that someone who was arrested for cannibalism
became a celebrity?
It's no different than when people
in the US become famous for stupid reasons.
All cultures have their weak points.
Huh.
That's pretty impressive.
You didn't flinch once during that little story.
You know, I wanted to know for sure who the leader was,
and now I definitely know it's you.
Stop trying to figure us out.
Your only role here is to give us the money.
Would you rather we go after your family?
Maybe that will provide a little extra motivation, huh?
You see, I believe it when you say that.
The first guy, he's too soft.
He's only here 'cause you told him to be.
And the big guy, well, he hasn't had
an original thought since he was a fetus.
He's cold, but he's dumb, so he doesn't scare me either.
And what about me?
Why do you take me more seriously than the others?
Because you got something to lose.
That's why you planned this kidnapping,
and that's why you've been so calm.
You need the money.
You're wrong.
If I'm so wrong, then let me go right now.
Fuck you.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
You do know that if you kill me you can't get any
of my money, and that brings us to sort
of an impasse, doesn't it?
We will get that money one way or another, Tommy.
Say my name like that again, will you?
I love the way it makes my toes curl up.
I'm tired of these games.
You have 10 minutes to agree to comply with our demands.
If we have to come back in here again, it won't be pretty.
I'm looking forward to it, DeVito.
It'll be fun.
Did he say he was going to give us the money?
No.
Did he try and mess with you?
Yeah, he did.
That kid has deep, deep-seated problems.
So what do we do now?
I don't think we have another choice.
We have to show him we mean business.
Does that mean we have to...
Yes.
It means we have to torture him.
Finally.
Don't sound so excited, weirdo.
Sorry.
(ALLEN SIGHS)
I can't do it.
What?
Look, I'll help you kidnap someone,
but I can't torture a guy.
I just don't have the stomach for it.
Well, I do.
So let's get to it.
Allen, you've helped enough.
You can wait in here if you want.
Come on, John, let's go do this.
Wait a second.
What?
I have an idea.
Which is?
I know a way we can hurt him
without actually causing any permanent damage.
Hell, it's not even illegal.
Okay, what is it?
Does your dad still keep snacks in his mini-fridge?
I think so, why?
I need some vegetable
and something with a lot of sugar in it.
What the hell are you talking about?
If you give someone a vegetable
with something with a lot of sugar
at the same time, it messes with their amino acids.
It causes massive intestinal pain.
What does that even mean?
It means that Allen wants to torture him
with a stomachache.
Not just any stomachache.
He's gonna have to shit so bad he's gonna be crying.
So that's your big idea?
Don't let him go to the bathroom?
Hold him in that room till he pops?
You won't be happy until he's screaming, will you?
No.
Wait, I actually kind of like this idea.
Tommy always was a vain bastard.
He wouldn't want someone to see him shitting himself.
I don't think that's a vanity thing.
I think that's just a day-to-day thing, man.
Plus, I do like the idea
of nature doing most of the work for us.
Let's at least try it before you do anything else.
Fine.
But if this doesn't work...
Yeah, we know, you wanna hurt the kid.
At least someone around here hasn't completely lost it.
Hey, you have no idea what he did to me.
You're right, I don't, because you won't tell me.
I've been your best friend for how long
and you won't tell me what happened to you?
Listen, both of you need to chill out right the fuck now.
Don't you see this is what he wants?
Divide and conquer, and we're not gonna let him do that.
(KEVIN SIGHS)
John, can you please do something for me?
Sure.
Go in there and check on him.
And do not, and I mean this, do not hurt him.
Okay, I got it.
All right, let's see if your dad has any food around here.
What, did your partners get tired of waiting
so they sent you in here to mess me up?
I can't touch you.
Yet.
Are you ever gonna tell me why you hate me so much?
JOHN: Nope.
I didn't think so.
I don't even know why I bothered asking.
Hey, can you do me a favor?
What is it?
I got bit by a mosquito like 10 minutes ago
and that shit is really starting to itch.
Can you scratch it for me?
Shut up.
All right.
God.
So you find anything yet?
Nope.
Hey, I've got something.
Pop-Tarts?
Yes.
And they're three months expired.
That's exactly what we need.
Those must be from before my dad went on his diet.
Hey, let's see what's in this fridge over here.
I never thought my dad going vegetarian
would help me during a kidnapping.
I'm sure he started eating healthier
so you can commit felonies more easily.
Come on, we have a snack to go make.
Hey, Allen.
Yeah?
If Tommy shits in my dad's office, I'm gonna kill you.
Just saying.
What's that?
We figured you might be hungry, so we brought you a snack.
We can't have you fainting on us.
Not yet anyway.
What is it?
Mm, some carrots and half a Pop-Tart.
Of course, if you're not hungry, you don't have to eat it.
But this is a one time offer.
It's the only time we're going to feed you.
ALLEN: So take it or leave it.
(TOMMY SIGHS)
All right, yeah, I'll have some.
Are you at least gonna untie me so I can eat it?
Fat chance.
We're gonna feed you.
Well, that's fucking awkward.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
It's perfectly normal that I'm feeding a grown-ass man
some carrots and half a Pop-Tart.
I do this all the time.
Just shut up and eat the food.
Okay.
(CARROT CRUNCHING)
Are you good or you wanna finish the whole thing?
(TOMMY CHUCKLES)
Poor choice of words, Ice.
Can you just answer his fucking question, please?
Yeah, I'm good.
Thank you.
KEVIN: Arnold, you stay here and watch him.
Ice and I are gonna go back to lookout duty.
Got it.
(FINGERS POPPING)
So how long is this supposed to take?
Only a few minutes.
Since these Pop-Tarts are stale,
the effect should be even more intense.
How did you know not to mix those foods anyway?
In one of my culinary classes.
We had an entire lecture about foods that don't mix and why.
Interesting.
JOHN: Guys, get in here now.
What did you guys put in that food?
ALLEN: Nothing.
We just put two foods together
that we knew would mess with your stomach.
You guys are intentionally trying to make me shit myself?
JOHN: I think he's prairie dogging it, guys.
I am.
ALLEN: Jesus, man.
All right, so here are your options.
You can either agree to withdraw that money for us,
or we let you shit yourself.
And then let you sit in it.
For hours.
So what's it gonna be?
Fuck you.
Now is not the time to be getting hostile.
Oh, did I mention we'll take pictures
and send them to the newspaper?
People aren't buying the paper anymore,
so they'll run anything for a story.
You're gonna make the front page again, Tommy.
Congratulations.
You motherfuckers.
Come on, what's it gonna be?
How this ends is totally up to you.
All right, all right, all right, you guys win.
Just please untie me, I gotta shit now.
Please, please.
KEVIN: Untie him.
Where's the bathroom?
Go outside and it'll be the first room on your right.
Don't worry, there aren't any windows in there.
He won't be going anywhere.
I still don't trust him.
I'm gonna go wait outside the door for him.
Did you know he had that knife with him?
KEVIN: Nope.
Remind me never to fuck with him ever again.
KEVIN: Yup.
So we did it.
Inside, I feel like a fat kid on Halloween.
But it's 3:30 in the morning, so I'm fucking tired.
We get it.
So, I'm gonna help my parents pay off their mortgage,
but what are you guys gonna do with your share of the money?
I forgot to ask you before.
I'm gonna open up a restaurant.
Don't you think people will start asking
where you got the money from?
Eh, I'll just tell 'em I took out a loan or something.
And what about you, John?
I think I'm going to go back to school.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Over the past few days,
I realized that I don't want to be a PE teacher anymore.
Then what are you gonna do now?
You know, I don't really know really.
But this time, I'll have time to think about it
instead of just flipping a coin.
You chose your college major by flipping a coin?
Hey, at least he's not getting into business.
That's worse.
What was the other choice for the coin flip,
if you don't mind me asking.
Microbiology.
What?
I didn't know something could hurt that badly.
Thanks for not making it worse.
Thank you for finally coming to your senses.
Now that you're being reasonable, we can all go home now.
Speaking of home, would you mind
calling that fat fuck outside my house off now?
After we get the money, we'll call him off.
You can even watch me make the phone call.
Fair enough.
What time does the bank open?
In about four and a half hours.
So, what, you guys are just gonna keep me here until then?
Pretty much.
We have to make sure that you don't
back out of your part of the deal.
You do understand, right?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
(JOHN SNEEZES)
Oh shit.
Seriously?
Oh my god, it was you guys?
Allen Young, John Savalas, and Kevin Colangelo?
We can explain.
It's not what it looks like.
I mean, I knew you guys were the kings of pranking
back in the day, but this was intense.
Yeah, you know, the older you get,
the more you have to step up your game, I guess.
I guess so.
I mean, there's no way in hell you guys could be criminals.
I mean, look, you even brought a fake shotgun with you.
Yeah, yeah, we did.
We had to bring along something
a little extra to convince you.
Convince me?
You guys were convincing, especially you, John.
Thanks?
You're not still mad about that thing
from a few years ago, are you?
Um.
No, he's not.
His memory is bad sometimes.
Can you explain to us what you're talking about?
Oh, he walked in on his sister
giving me a reverse Miss Daisy.
What is a reverse Miss Daisy?
Oh, you've never heard of it?
No.
It's when you take a girl grocery shopping
and then afterwards, she gives you a handjob.
You've been angry all this time over a handjob?
I thought he fucked her after they went grocery shopping.
All I said was, was that they hooked up.
And it was still fucking weird, okay?
I thought you said he wasn't mad about it anymore.
He lied.
Look, dude, I'm sorry about messing
around with your sister, all right?
I didn't know you were still mad about it.
We were friends, man.
You two say you're going to run an errand together.
You two go the grocery store,
come back with a few candy bars,
and then two minutes later, what do I see?
It only took her two minutes to go
from a Butterfinger to a handjob?
She works quick, man.
Oh hell no.
Dude, I said I was sorry, all right?
Are we cool?
Thank God that's over.
Yeah, so what have you guys been up to since we graduated?
Last I heard, you went to some college upstate.
What are you doing back in this part of town?
It wasn't by choice, man.
We couldn't find work up there,
so we all had to move back in with our parents.
It's pretty terrible.
Wait, you guys are looking for jobs?
Yeah.
Oh, I totally need help getting this new website
up and running.
What kind of website?
We're gonna be writing press releases for new porn sites.
Wait, you're the one that put that ad up?
You saw the ad?
Yeah, a few days ago.
Yep, that was me.
What's the starting pay?
Well, I mean, we go back awhile, so say, $20 an hour?
I'm in.
Yeah, me too.
What about you, Kev?
That sounds great.
Awesome, awesome.
Well, now that this prank is over, can I go home?
Sure, man, we'll get you out of here.
Thank you.
Let's go.
(PLEASANT GUITAR MUSIC)
KEVIN: So what time are we supposed
to show up for work tomorrow?
TOMMY: Just drop by my house at like noon.
KEVIN: Okay.
So I'll see you guys tomorrow?
We'll be here.
All right, see you then.
Hey, Tommy.
Yeah?
Thanks for helping us out.
Oh, not a problem.
It's better for society if you guys are working
than out pranking people anyway, right?
See you tomorrow.
Is anyone gonna try and explain to me
what just happened back there?
Well, we kidnapped Tommy Booth
and he ended up offering us jobs.
That's pretty much it.
You know we can't tell anyone about this, right?
That's a given.
You know, the only reason we're not in jail right now
is because we're so bad at crime that people we went
to high school with can't actually picture us trying it.
I'm aware of that.
At least we don't have to be criminals forever now.
You know, this didn't work out quite the way I planned,
but I think we're gonna be okay.
Some money is better than no money.
You can say that again.
Hey, is anyone else hungry?
Yeah, what are you in the mood for?
Pancakes.
You wanna get pancakes after you just kidnapped someone?
Yeah, I do.
Kidnapping is a lot of work and pancakes have carbs.
It's hard to argue with that.
It's his job to make things
hard to argue with, he's a lawyer.
Actually, I just made a slight career change.
Now I work in public relations.
Touche, dude, touche.
Hey, guys, I just wanna say something real quick.
You didn't have to be here tonight and put yourselves
on the line like that for me, so thank you.
Seriously, I know I don't say that enough,
but thank you both.
Don't worry about it, man.
Just remember, if any of us gets arrested, you owe us one.
True story.
Duly noted.
What time is it?
It's almost five in the morning.
Those goddamn pancakes better be amazing
or we're gonna make history.
How?
By being the first people to riot in a Denny's.
So, do you think we'll meet any
of those porn stars we write about?
Allen, don't scowl at me, you're supposed to be driving.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
♪ You might know more than me ♪
♪ Have more than one degree ♪
♪ You won't get out scot-free, though ♪
♪ Your soul is theirs, you see ♪
♪ Options are all run out ♪
♪ You have been cast with much doubt ♪
♪ You constantly feel life is such so ♪
♪ With no chance to walk about ♪
♪ The only reason that I'm in this moment ♪
♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪
♪ Ask my friends, 'cause I might only know this ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪
♪ They make us feel weak and then it's treason ♪
♪ Kind of mad, this feels like a ransom ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ The only reason that I'm in this moment ♪
♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪
♪ Ask my friends, 'cause I might only notice ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪
♪ They make us feel weak and then it's treason ♪
♪ Kind of mad, it feels like a ransom ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ Turn to a life of crime ♪
♪ That way we save a dime ♪
♪ Get what we want out of life now ♪
♪ Make the most of our time ♪
♪ Our luck is all run dry ♪
♪ Catcher is in the rye ♪
♪ Our innocence has just died ♪
♪ And no one can hear us cry ♪
♪ No one can hear us cry ♪
♪ The only reason that I'm in this moment ♪
♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪
♪ Ask my friends, 'cause I might only notice ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪
♪ They make us feel weak and then it's treason ♪
♪ Kind of mad, this feels like a ransom ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ The only reason that I'm in this moment ♪
♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪
♪ Ask my friends, 'cause I might only notice ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
♪ We're not but it's for a good reason ♪
♪ They make us feel weak and that it's treason ♪
♪ Kinda mad this feels like a ransom ♪
♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull
(RHYTHMIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC)